I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
