Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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