so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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