I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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