sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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