If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
