Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
