I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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