sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
