I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
