Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
