If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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