So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
