I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
