Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
