Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
