Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
