Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
