I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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