I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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