it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
