Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize