I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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