i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
