1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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