his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
