I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
