why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
