My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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