Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
