His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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