Please, let me fuck your mom
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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