We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
