I just saw a hot homeless man
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
