Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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