wakey wakey hands off snakey
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
