So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
