Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize