I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Pants are for mortals
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
