You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize