fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
