I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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