I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
