Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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