My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize