You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
