Umm I'm too high to move.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
