Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
