when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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