I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
