I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
