i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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