Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
