He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
