I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize