My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
someone owes me an orgasm
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Randomize
