it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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