I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
