are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So apparently I’m into choking now
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