I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
