well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
