Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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