I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
