I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
