wakey wakey hands off snakey
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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